Last year I sent you flowers
But this year – none of that crap
This year I sent you
A Venus Fly Trap

You gave me your heart
Now you’re asking for it back
Well I’ve cut it into pieces
And I’ve fed it to my cat

I used to send you roses
Now the only rose you’ll get
Is a red rose dyed in hamster blood
With a message from the vet

Oh my bloody Valentine
I’ll send you chocolates in a box
Chocolates laced with laxatives
And small bits of my socks

I’ll sign the note “Anonymous”
So that you won’t suspect
You’ll just eat them all up greedily
And then they’ll take effect

And if I hear you’re suffering
I shall pray that you get worse
For this is not a love letter
It’s a Valentine’s Day curse

And if I seem a little heartless
Then you’ve correctly understood
This is the Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre
I don’t wish you any good

This letter that I’m writing
Is written in poison pen
The love I had for you is dead
And it will not live again

It will not rise like Dracula
Nor hideously laugh
For this is not a love poem
It’s an ep-i-taph